Introduction:
Hi, I’m Max – A Health & Wellness Coach.
Today’s reading is a crucial topic. Moving into adulthood.
So, what does it mean to transition from being a child to an adult? In contemporary western culture, it’s largely about reaching an age—18, 21, or 27. Consider this perspective: the transition into adulthood occurs when the parts of ourselves that were hurt in childhood are healed and integrated. The first core insight to grasp from today’s reading is moving into adulthood is about taking charge of our own growth, and no longer relying on others—especially our parents—to provide the closure we seek.
Here’s the tricky thing about the human animal – our psyche is complex, and even after our brains are fully developed by age 27 (or thereabouts), parts of us can still feel in complete due to unmet childhood needs. The first step to adulthood? Stop waiting for your parents to change. This really does bear repeating.
Today, I’ll share a three-step process to help you achieve this.
Step 1: Write a Letter to Your Parents and Let the Inner Child Speak
This step is about giving the child inside you a voice. Many of us carry feelings of abandonment, anger, or disappointment from unmet needs during our childhood. These feelings are often buried deep, and we might not even realize how much they still affect us. Writing a letter to your parents is a powerful way to unearth these emotions. Even just doing this can be incredibly illuminating to see just how much you’re carrying – I’ve done this with many clients and some of them write ten to twenty page letters at times. It’s amazing how much we hold without realizing it.
Here’s the trick: Don’t hold back. This isn’t about being polite or rational. If your inner child is angry, let it be angry. If it feels sad, lonely, or neglected, express that fully. This is your chance to let the child in you be completely selfish, as children quite rightly are. Lay out every time you have felt abandoned, let down, or unsupported. Swear if you have to. Let the unhealed parts of you speak, free from the constraints of well spoken “adulthood.”
The value of this letter lies not in whether or not you send it, but in allowing yourself to acknowledge and articulate these feelings. Often, this is the first time we truly face these emotions head-on, and the process can be incredibly cathartic.
Step 2: Decide—Have a Conversation or Burn the Letter
Once you’ve written the letter, it’s time to make a choice. You can either share it with your parents or destroy it. And both options are equally valid.
I remember when I went through this process myself. I was shocked to realize I had 27 specific grievances against my dad. I was so angry, and for the first time, I saw the full scope of my feelings. I decided to send the letter, and fortunately, my dad was able to hold space for me. He listened, allowed me to express my anger, and that moment was a huge step forward in our relationship. I’ll always be grateful for that.
But what if your parents can’t—or won’t—offer the same? That’s okay too. The healing doesn’t come from their response; it comes from acknowledging and processing your own feelings. Sometimes, just writing the letter and seeing those emotions in front of you is enough. Whether or not you send it, you’ve already started the process of healing the child in you. You don’t need their validation to move forward—you just need to let yourself feel those emotions and give yourself permission to heal. Once you’ve written the letter and it’s ALL out in front of you, you can then ask if your healing requires a conversation.
Step 3: Decide What This Means for You Moving Forward
Now comes the most important part: behavior change. Growth is only meaningful if it’s reflected in your actions. After going through this emotional process, it’s time to ask yourself what this means for your life moving forward. What boundaries need to be redrawn? What expectations need to be adjusted?
For some, this may mean establishing clearer boundaries with their parents—limiting contact or changing the dynamic of the relationship. For others, it could mean a shift in your own expectations. Maybe you’ll shift how you relate to others in general, or how you prioritize your own emotional needs. For me, I can remember my Dad asking me at the end of our conversation “what can I do for you, Max?” to which in that moment it became clear. I responded by saying “Nothing, I forgive you”. It was obvious for me in that moment that all I needed was for these things to be given the space needed to re-integrate back into my system. But since then my own expectations of my Dad have dramatically shifted and we’ve had a great relationship ever since.
The key is to remember that learning = behavior change. If you don’t implement changes in your life after this process, then the emotional insight hasn’t truly been absorbed. It’s only when you apply these lessons—by shifting your boundaries, expectations, or actions—that true growth takes place. For those frightened of potentially shifting boundaries with their parents, let me put it to you like this – you as a well integrated adult wouldn’t allow other adults to cross your boundaries, so why would you let your parents do this, who also happen to be adults? This is what it means to move forward as a healthy adult.
Conclusion:
Don’t wait. Don’t keep hoping for Mum and Dad step in and heal those unhealed parts of you. Adulthood begins when you take charge of your growth—when you stop waiting for your parents to change and decide to be the caregiver for your inner child.
The healing process may not be easy, but it’s worth it. Life on the other side is much cleaner, happier and easier. If this process resonates with you and you’re ready to integrate your inner child, reach out. Let’s work together on your journey to true adulthood here.
Max.
Health & Wellness Coach.
