Introduction
Hi, I’m Max, a professional life coach.
A question for you. What is confidence?
The equation I use when it comes to developing confidence in my clients is:
Confidence = Self Acceptance + The Development of Competence
Notice that confidence is highly context-dependent, meaning that you may find yourself without confidence in certain situations, but in others, you may find bulletproof confidence in yourself. So the first point for today’s reading is, to identify within yourself the area that you lack the confidence you wish to have. Is it at work? With the opposite sex? Today’s reading will focus on the three main strategies that I have used with many clients in my private coaching practice.
Let us first address the two main causes for perceived lack of confidence in ourselves. The first is that we are carrying some kind of painful experience that has hindered our development in this particular area. And the second is that we inaccurately compare ourselves to other people and we don’t like how we stack up against them. The following three strategies will address both these factors and get you moving in the right direction.
Step One – Accept Where You Are
Don’t mistake accepting where you are as being trivial. This is a crucial step in developing confidence. Imagine you’re in the first scene of a film, and your life is a movie. The opening scene of the film is you reading today’s post, and here you are, exactly where you are. One of the most vicious aspects of our nature as human beings is that because we judge ourselves so harshly, often we never even begin the journey in the first place because we waste all our time blaming ourselves or others for where we’ve ended up.
Take a moment and stop. Breathe deeply. And recognize that actually accepting where you are in life is the first step to changing it. Of course, the inevitable objection comes up “But Max, I don’t want to accept it! The whole reason that I’m reading this is because I want my life to be NOT the way it currently is”. The thing to understand is that life is filled with counterintuitiveness, meaning that it works the opposite way in which we would first think. And choosing to not accept where you are, actually, is the very thing keeping you stuck. When you play a video game, at the first level you are essentially skillful, starting at the beginning of the game – do you spend your time saying “Oh well this isn’t fair that I have to start from here?”, of course not. That’s the fun of the game! And life is no different, and right now if you’re reading this, regardless of what level of the game you’re at, accept it.
A hint for you – You will know when you’ve accepted where you are when your judgment ceases, and a calm soft clarity will come over you.
Step Two – Forgive The Past
Forgiveness is the secret master key to developing confidence. When we choose not to forgive, our perception of reality actually gets warped and distorted. And it creates blockages in our emotional system. Note, that when a child is born, the concepts of confidence and self-worth aren’t apparent to them yet. A lack of confidence can stem from a formative event in our lives. If this resonates with you, take a moment and forgive the past.
Of course, depending on the event this is much easier said than done. I have worked with clients on nothing but forgiveness for months at a time, but suffice it to say that if we are going to build our confidence in a particular area, we must make peace with whatever caused damage to our confidence. Because when we don’t, we are always secretly enslaved to it.
A key point regarding forgiveness – do NOT believe your mind when it says “But if I forgive then the same thing will happen to me again!” – to forgive does not mean to condone or to open ourselves to the same experience, but what it does mean is to integrate what happened and ultimately free ourselves so we can move forward.
You’ll be amazed at what forgiving can do for your confidence.
Step Three – Develop Your Competence Through Gradualness
To develop confidence, we must address the sticky point of comparison. The most important thing to understand is that to compare two human beings is very ineffective, due to the variety of factors that go into our experiences of life. Someone that you envy for their fortune, envies you for your relationship. Someone you envy for their fitness envies you for your peace of mind, etcetera, etcetera. The only person that is ever worth comparing yourself to is the person you were yesterday – this is the only recipe for true progress in life. Take a moment to grasp this before you move on.
Here’s the inglorious truth about progress. It always starts small. But small steps taken over and over again amount to our biggest journeys in life. But the very real truth about developing confidence is that it can only be attained through achievement and competence. So, choose an area of life that you lack confidence in and ask yourself – What is the smallest possible step that I could take towards improving this goal, no matter how insignificant it may be?
Here are some examples for you.
- Your chosen area: The opposite sex.
Smallest possible step: Write the first line of my dating profile.
- Your chosen area: Public speaking.
Smallest possible step: Say the first line of your speech to yourself in your bathroom mirror.
- Your chosen area: Speaking to my partner about something difficult.
Smallest possible step: Write down the top three reasons that you feel afraid.
And so, by actually developing the smallest bit of competence in your chosen area, you open the possibility for further steps tomorrow. And as each step is achieved, confidence begins to build. You’ll be amazed if you take one step today, a slightly bigger step tomorrow, two steps on day three, another two steps on day four, and three steps on day five, you’ve already taken ten steps towards your goal! Celebrate that!
Yes, it’s true that the first ten steps are probably unspectacular, but it’s those first steps that create the foundation for spectacular things to happen!
One of the core pillars for human beings to experience satisfaction in life is a feeling of progress. And if you are continually making progress, no matter how small, you’ll feel alive.
If you’d like a deeper dive into developing your confidence, reach out to me! Let’s have a 30-minute complimentary conversation here.
