Introduction
Hi! I’m Max, a professional relationship coach.
I have a question for you, what is your most powerful tool in life?
I’ll give you a moment to ponder this while we get into today’s reading.
Now let’s ask ourselves, what dictates the quality of a relationship? Respect? Yes. Love? Absolutely. Trust? Certainly. But there is one pillar that either makes or breaks relationships. And it is the answer to the first question I asked you.
Language & Communication.
Language is a human being’s most powerful tool. It can be used to create, destroy, heal, hurt, and everything in between. I can certainly remember the expression from when I was young “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, looking back, I couldn’t think of a more inaccurate statement. Before we proceed any further in today’s reading, please understand the significance of this power you have. You have the capability to heal someone from a lifetime of trauma with the right words, you have the power to invoke violence with the right words, and you have the power to build a business with the right words. And yes, you have the power to build the relationship of your dreams with the right words.
Here’s a second question for you to consider, how well do you use this tool in your relationship? Regardless of your answer, let’s explore this a little deeper.
You and your partner are two different human beings with two different experiences of life. Your ability to both understand your partner and to help your partner understand you is one of the master keys to a beautiful life. And this is only achieved through effective communication. So, inevitably in relationships communication can become challenging. And in an effort to make today’s reading as effective as possible, we will distill this down to three action items for you to take with you.
Number One – Preparation Is Everything
Those who fail to plan will plan to fail. And communication is no different. Think about it, important conversations, business meetings, negotiations, political discussions between world leaders are planned – there is an agenda to all these conversations. And the execution of these conversations dictates whether the agenda is achieved. So, let me ask you something – how often do you plan potentially challenging conversations with your lover?
One of the most profound benefits of laying out my feelings in my own mind, actually picturing the conversation with my partner, more than half the time I don’t actually need to have the conversation! Because I realize that actually, this that I was planning on speaking to my partner about says far more about me, my projections, and my own selfishness than it does about them!
However, as those who have read my “Setting Intentions” post will already know, setting intentions creates a target for our actions. So, what is your intention for this conversation? Once you have developed an understanding and a necessity for a conversation, here are some questions that will be of use that my clients often in my Harmony In Dialogue program.
- How will what I am attempting to say be understood?
This is critical. As mentioned previously, you and your partner are two different human beings. And part of our mission in relationships is to develop a deep, accurate understanding of our partner. So when communicating with them and planning your approach, understand the perspective of who you are speaking with.
- If this goes badly, why would that be?
This is often something I go through in the Leadership Preparation Intensives that I execute in my executive coaching programs. To lay out all the reasons why this meeting, or in this case, conversation with my lover, may go in unwanted
directions. Obvious examples may be the time and place of the conversation, an unanticipated response from your partner, a response from my partner triggers an unresolved pain in me that takes me off track. However, there are far less obvious examples also which for the sake of time I won’t go into now. But when going over and ideally writing this list down, go through even the most unlikely scenarios. Once you have this list, develop an understanding of how you’d handle each of these.
- How do I open this conversation?
Often when it comes to effectively communicating in relationships, declaring our own limitations can be a door opener to a powerful conversation with your lover. Consider this question – what is a fight in a relationship? At its essence, it’s two people attempting to get the other person to listen to their own point of view AT THE SAME TIME. It is two human beings desiring to be listened to AT THE SAME TIME. That’s it. That’s the source of the conflict. And so, when we acknowledge our partner’s side, it can have a very disarming effect. And so, by opening our conversation with “I want to have a conversation with you, but I’m nervous about how it’s going to go and I really want to make sure I communicate well with you, are you okay with having this conversation with me?” provides an opening for our point to be well received.
Number Two – Take Responsibility In Your Language
In terms of what to actually say, the following words cannot be overstated – YOUR GOAL IS TO HELP YOUR PARTNER UNDERSTAND YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS.
Remember the power of language, your choice of words, and perhaps even more importantly, your choice of tone can make or break an effective conversation. A question to ask yourself – “How can I communicate in a way that will be truly understood?”. What some clients of mine have reported back is that when their partner is speaking with them during challenging conversations, they feel personally attacked. So here’s an amazing clue that may spark a strategy for having more productive conversations with your partner, WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING, SPEAK ABOUT YOURSELF, NOT YOUR PARTNER. Here are three insights on what doing this may look like.
- Own your language.
A common example is “You make me feel angry”, which is not taking responsibility for your feelings, but projecting them onto your loved one, an appropriate alternative may be “When this happens, I feel angry”. This way, you are taking responsibility for your feelings, not holding someone else responsible. Another key insight from today’s reading is that no one is responsible for your feelings, words, and actions other than you. In trusting partnerships, having this reflected may lead to more effective outcomes.
- Tone.
Tone really is the superpower of effective conversations. “It’s not about what they say, it’s the way they say it ” again is a common occurrence in my Couples Communication Programs. An easy way to practice this, say what you intend to say out loud, and ask yourself “Would I want to be spoken to this way?”. Again, coming back to our prior point about preparation, if you prepare your side of the conversation, but you fail to prepare the tone, this is a recipe for disaster. Language conveys the message. The tone conveys the meaning of the message.
- Take your time, be a chess player.
This is something I don’t see many people talk about – the speed of conversations. To control the speed of your speech enables control over your language. Have you ever had an argument with your partner, said something, and immediately thought “I really shouldn’t have said that” – at least from what I’ve noticed, it’s due to going too fast in your speech. Think of a conversation like chess, once you’ve made a move, you can’t unmake it. So make each move carefully. Say your first point, check that your partner understood that as you hoped, and move to your next. As soon as there is a misalignment, clear it up, and then move on. Don’t move on before that as the conversation will become filled with misunderstandings.
Number Three – Seek To Understand Your Partner
Remember earlier in today’s reading, a key role we have in relationships is not only to help our partner understand us but also to understand our partner! I’ve heard clients say to me about their partner “Well that’s just how they are, and they’ve always been like that”, well, have you ever wondered why they react or behave like that? Again, when you speak, you hope that your partner is coming from a place of understanding, so let’s ensure that we are doing this also!
- When they speak, put your own perspective down
Many times when human beings communicate, true listening can be seldom found. Often when our partners are speaking, we are using this time as an opportunity to think of what we want to say next, but when we do this it takes us away from being present with our partner. So, when listening, intentionally move away from preparing your next point, and listen. This may provide insight about your partner that will allow for a more comprehensive understanding. Note – a common objection to this that I have heard is “Well if I don’t speak when my point comes to me, I’ll forget what I was going to say!” and what I would put forward to that is by the time your partner has finished their point, the point you were originally wanting to raise may no longer be relevant.
- Clear out any misunderstandings
As a general principle, always allowing your partner to finish their point before speaking is a good one to follow. However, the only exception I will often provide clients with is when they feel they may have misunderstood something. Again, this is why speed is very important. To go step by step, checking understanding on each point. Remember, the point is not whether you agree, but whether you understand your partner’s perspective.
- Ask yourself, where are they right?
One of the most beautiful things about relationships that human beings often forget is that the person you are with is NOT like you! That’s what attracted you both to one another in the first place. So, in conversations, we can also be quick to point out where our points of view do not align. But have you ever thought to ask yourself, where is my partner spot on? If I was deeply honest with myself, are they on to something here? I may not like it, and my not liking it probably goes to show that it’s something I need to work on, but are they right? Focusing and acknowledging where your partner is right, provides a bridge to deeper understanding in both our conversations and your connection with your lover.
I understand a lot of this can seem like a lot of information. Creating a world-class relationship takes time, but there is nothing that will improve your relationship faster than creating a more effective communication framework.
If any of this resonated with you, I’d encourage you to reach out to me and have a complimentary 30-minute conversation here.
Max. Relationship Coach.
