Introduction:
Hi, I’m Max, Relationship Coach.
Let’s start by clearing up a common misconception: conflict in relationships is not inherently bad. In fact, rupture and repair are essential parts of growth for both you and your partner. Life as a whole, and relationships are a balancing act. Couples who tell me in my practice that “they never fight”, speaks to one of two possible scenarios. One, they don’t grow together. Or two, they don’t know how to communicate their own needs. There’s no judgment about that, it’s just what I’ve noticed. From my perspective, conflict is not something to be avoided but rather navigated consciously. The key isn’t how severe the rupture is (within reason), but the quality of the repair afterward.
In today’s reading – Part One, we’ll focus on how to approach conflict when you’re on the receiving end. If you’re the one experiencing the rupture, here are three key insights to help you manage it constructively.
1) Understand They Are Speaking About Their Experience, Not You
One of the biggest mistakes people make in conflict is assuming that their partner’s grievances are personal attacks. But here’s the truth: your partner is sharing their experience of the relationship, not a critique of who you are as a person. The moment you interpret their words as being about you, defensiveness takes over and derails the conversation.
Here’s the thing to understand – the human psyche is a vastly complicated landscape. When your partner is sharing their grievances, part of that will have something to do with you, other parts may have something to do with them, their upbringing, their own expectations, amongst an array of other things. So when they say “You make me feel like (insert emotion)”, or something to that effect, rest assured as the listener that you actually don’t.
The real challenge is how deeply you understand this concept. When you recognize that their words reflect their emotional experience, you can start to engage in the conflict without taking things personally. This shift in mindset is liberating because it frees you from feeling like you need to “win” the argument. Instead, your focus becomes one of deep curiosity and care. Listen past what is being shared.
2) If Their Words Hurt, It’s Likely Because You Agree with Them
Here’s a tough but powerful truth: the things that hurt the most in conflict often sting because deep down, you might agree with them. When you find yourself becoming defensive, it’s likely because your partner has hit a nerve—something you haven’t fully acknowledged about yourself.
Take a moment to reflect on what you’re defending. Ask yourself, “Why does this hurt so much?” Chances are, they’ve touched on something that you already know to be true, even if you haven’t consciously said so. Rather than fighting back, thank them for bringing it up. This is a golden opportunity for growth and self-awareness, one that conflict can uniquely offer.
Here’s the ultimate trick here – THIS MAY MEAN YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO WORK ON THAT! Relationships break down when we refuse to work on ourselves, because then we are stuck with these problems, putting our relationship on borrowed time.
3) Don’t Rush to the Repair—You’ll Miss the Details
Most people, particularly men, are so eager to resolve conflict that they rush to fix things too quickly. But here’s the problem with that: if you rush, you’ll miss crucial details. The key to effective conflict resolution is understanding the full scope of what’s really going on. And don’t rush your partner along simply out of conflict avoidance. Lean in. Be brave. Love them through this.
A good rule of thumb? Once your partner starts repeating themselves, that’s when you know you’re getting to the bottom of it. Repetition signals that they’ve fully expressed themselves. Now crucially, they may be repeating themselves because they don’t know another way of expressing their pain, so this point requires nuance, but it’s a good rule of thumb. Until the point of repetition, resist the urge to jump in and fix the problem. Listen deeply, let them talk, and only when you’ve heard everything should you move to repair.
Another key thing to look out for, watch their body while they are speaking with you. When they get to the bottom of their pain, you’ll see their body begin to release tension.
4) BONUS: The Ultimate Question to Ask During Conflict
This one is a game-changer. When conflict feels stuck or emotions run high, ask your partner this:
“If I could give you exactly what you wanted right now, with all sincerity, what would that be?”
This is a great question for us guys, because men tend to like having something to aim at, it makes it clear for us. And more importantly, this question forces clarity. It helps your partner get to the heart of what they’re really after in that moment. This is the crucial part of the repair process. Too often couples fall into a big fight, they both take time away, and then issues remain unresolved until they come to the surface again. Not only does this question guide the conversation to a productive place of resolution, but it also illuminates the pathway forward. Use this question as a tool to cut through the noise and focus on real solutions – but remember, not too early.
Conclusion:
As a monk once told me, “Relationships are the ashrams of the 21st century.” They are the ideal platform for growth—if you engage consciously. Conflict, whether that be with ourselves or with our partner offers a chance to learn, but it requires intentionality and self-awareness.
If you’re looking for more on this topic, check out Part 2, where we’ll focus on handling conflict when you’re the one creating the rupture.
For a deeper dive, let’s have a conversation about how you can improve your conflict management skills and build a stronger relationship here.
Max.
Relationship Coach.
