Introduction:
Hi, I’m Max – Relationship Coach.
Assuming you’ve read Part One, you now understand how to handle conflict when you’re on the receiving end. But what happens when you’re the one who needs to bring up a grievance?
Here’s the first thing to consider – when you notice that you have a grievance that you’re wanting to share with your partner, think about it deeply in your own time. It’s often effective even to have someone in your life who is not your partner that you can share your grievance with and workshop the problem with. The reason this can be useful is twofold, it allows you to see whether this problem actually has anything to do with your partner in the first place, and the second is that assuming it does, it allows you to have a clearer picture on exactly what that is.
Now here’s the trick – pick someone who will back up your partner, not you.
So, assuming you’ve already done this, you find that you would still like to bring this conflict forward in the relationship, here’s the fundamental question to ask yourself: How do I help my partner truly understand my perspective?
You are not out on a quest to ‘Win’ an argument – this is the fundamental mistake in conflict with your partner. Approaching conflict with clarity and care will allow you to create productive dialogue, not further tension.
Here are three essential insights to guide you when you’re initiating the tough conversation.
1) Own Your Language
The language you use can either open up the conversation or shut it down immediately. When you say, “You make me feel…,” it can sound accusatory, like you’re blaming your partner for your emotions. This is a natural reaction in the heat of the moment, but it often leads to defensiveness. Instead, try saying something like, “When this happens, I feel…”which keeps the focus on your feelings, not on their actions.
Language is a superpower, especially in relationships. It can build bridges or create walls, depending on how it’s used. Be mindful of how you frame your words, especially when emotions are running high. Even if you’re angry, it’s important to choose language that preserves the integrity of the relationship.
Think of it this way: You wouldn’t swing a hammer wildly when building something important, so why would you use reckless language when discussing something as valuable as your relationship?
Remember this throughout your conversation – you’re trying to reach them, not attack them.
2) Use Examples to Create a Shared Understanding
Conflict becomes far more manageable when both parties are working from the same understanding. To help your partner fully grasp your perspective, use specific examples to illustrate your point. Vague language leads to confusion, and confusion leads to frustration. By bringing in real examples from your relationship, you can create a shared context. It is often said that our mind exacerbates our perceptions, by using examples, it allows the conversation to become a lot more grounded.
Once you’ve brought these examples and the impact that they have had on your feelings – It’s common for your partner to respond with something like, “I didn’t mean it that way.” This is your opportunity to reassure them, “I know, I’m not blaming you; I’m just sharing how it felt for me.” This simple reframing helps de-escalate the tension and keeps the conversation focused on emotions, not accusations.
Something that may save your relationship is this – recognize that a message sent isn’t always a message received. Your partner may not have intended to hurt you, but their actions still impacted you. By using examples, you help bridge that gap and ensure both of you are on the same page. Remember that your partner, although they love you, doesn’t have access to your experience, examples help give them that access.
3) Make an Offer to Move Forward
Conflict should always end with a way forward. A repair isn’t complete until both parties feel like they’ve agreed on what comes next. Once the issue is aired, offer a solution or suggest a way to move forward together. This creates a sense of working together as a team.
For example, if the issue is about feeling unsupported, suggest a specific way they can help you feel more supported in the future. This not only closes the loop on the current conflict but also strengthens the relationship moving forward.
When both partners are committed to a shared vision for the future, conflict becomes a tool for growth rather than a source of division.
Remember, in your relationship you can go through stuff, or you can grow through stuff. Take the second option.
Conclusion:
Conflict is inevitable, but it’s how you navigate it that defines the strength of your relationship. Approaching your partner with care, owning your language, and creating a shared understanding are all vital tools for effective communication. Remember, relationships require deep care and focus to thrive.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into how you can navigate conflict more effectively in your relationship, let’s have a conversation here.
Max
Relationship Coach.
