Introduction
Hi, I’m Max, a professional relationship coach.
Here’s a perspective to consider – Your children are a project, your partner is your teammate – We will revisit this later…
Parenting is the single greatest joy, as well as the most challenging pursuit. It challenges our ability to manage finances, manage time, impart knowledge, and patience. when to push and when to hold back, and how to manage our partner in this challenge, among countless other facets of life. It truly is an incredible pursuit.
On top of what was just mentioned, there are so many things to agree on with our partners that it can be very difficult to maintain peace, particularly during the early years of rearing a child. Here are the most common examples from my time in coaching parents as a team:
- Discipline techniques – carrot vs stick, incentives, etc.
- Technology use and allocated times, if any.
- Roles and responsibilities – this is by far the most common from my coaching practice.
Today’s reading will be focused on how to create harmony with your partner during some of the most emotionally challenging times of your life. Today’s reading will be broken into three valuable insights that have proven to make a substantial difference in my time working with them.
Insight One) An Active Practice Of Forgiveness Is Your Ticket Through This
Parenting is a deeply complicated endeavour, and while there may be general principles and patterns to follow, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, not to mention much of parenting is often a process of trial and error. And so, it is without a doubt that mistakes will get made, from both you and your partner.
In moments of high stress, we have all said something we do not mean, and the stress of parenting is very unique. As we mentioned at the beginning of today’s reading, you and your partner are a team, so we must do our absolute best to keep them on our team. We only get one crack at bringing up our children, and the truth is, to have a teammate certainly helps.
Here’s something to drill in your mind – KEEP YOUR EMOTIONAL SLATE AS CLEAN AS POSSIBLE, DO NOT LET THINGS BUILD UP.
In parenting, forgiveness needs to be your superpower. By engaging in an active process of forgiveness, we ensure that difficult moments do not fester in your partnership. This practice may consist of journaling at the end of the day, and clearing out our emotional slates before the next day. Of course, this will take practice, but it has the power to create insight that may actually end up saving your marriage in the long run through challenging periods.
Here are some questions to consider at the end of each day:
- What do I need to forgive today, in myself and in others?
- Is it helpful for me to hold on to this?
- Could I let it go?
Insight Two) Your Partner Comes First, Not Your Children
This is a very counterintuitive insight. And let’s be clear, I’m not saying that your partner comes before your children at all costs, but keep an open mind, stay with me.
As we discussed, you and your partner are the team, your children are the project. And when we are talking about executing a project over the space of twenty-five years, we must work with our team to create sustainability, engagement, and satisfaction – and yes I’m talking about your partner.
This is a crucial mistake that gets made amongst parents – the child is born and the parents feel unconditional love for their children, which is unquestionably deeper than any love they’ve ever felt before. However, the mistake gets made in that there is an unconscious assumption that because the love that I have for my children is unconditional, that love will be returned and it will always be with me. And the chances of my partner leaving me are much greater than my children ever leaving me. And so, we begin to prioritize the giving of our love to our children over our spouse. As soon as we do that, the relationship is doomed, it’s only a matter of time.
So, do you have the capacity to expand your heart beyond just your partner to your children, without taking love away from your partner? If the answer is yes, begin asking yourself, where can I be a better teammate for my partner?
Insight Three) Do Not Keep Score
Scorekeeping is one of the first signs of cracks in a partnership. “I did this, this, and this today, what have you done?” is a deeply ineffective approach. Even if you are right and you have done more than your partner, badgering them to pick up their game may work in the short term, but will foster deep resentment that will build over the years ahead.
Something to consider, you and your partner are unique, you have your unique strengths and weaknesses. And to assume in a marriage that everything will be divided fifty-fifty-one hundred percent of the time with zero anomalies or exceptions is like having a tennis doubles team say that we both have to hit the same number of shots to win this match – stupid.
So, what are your partner’s strengths? What are yours? What are your weaknesses? What are your partners? How willing are you both to work on those weaknesses with the time that you have available in your lives? These are all helpful questions to consider.
In conclusion, there’s nothing that can compare to the beauty of parenting. But the deepest beauty comes in the giving, our selflessness. Don’t shy away from this.
If this resonates with you, reach out to me for a complimentary 30-minute conversation here.
Max. Relationship Coach.
