Introduction
Hi, I’m Max, a professional relationship coach.
The foundation for all our relationships is trust. But trust is a far deeper concept than most human beings understand.
As human beings, we create conceptual images of one another, and when our image of someone is consistent with their behaviour, we have trust. Even people we do not get along with or think of as “bad people”, we still trust them, in that we trust the image that we have of them to be accurate – I trust that they will behave in a particular way, whether that be positively or negatively. But most importantly, the image I have of them is consistent.
And when human beings behave in a way that is radically different from our image of them, we have what we would refer to commonly as “broken trust”. The challenging part about broken trust is that we often lose trust in ourselves also, we lose trust in our own judgment. After all, I chose to trust this person, and they betrayed my trust. Perhaps my perception of people is also not as trustworthy as I believed.
Today’s reading will focus on three steps based on my experience in coaching couples through broken trust that have proven to be of consistent value.
Step One) A Significant Acknowledgement & A Commitment To Understand One Another
Once both members of the relationship have made the commitment to stay together, in order for the process of rebuilding trust to begin, there are two significant steps that unless they occur, trust can never fully be rebuilt.
The first is from one of both parties, a significant acknowledgment of their actions and the consequences of their actions. Both members of the relationship need to have a shared understanding of what actually occurred, why it occurred, and what the impact on both members of the relationship was. This is the beginning of the image of one another and ourselves back together. So, if it was you who broke the trust of your partner, acknowledge deeply what happened, why it happened and the impact it had, and express heartfelt remorse. If it was your partner who broke your trust, then actively seek to understand their perspective, rather than demonizing them.
Deeply loving communication is required here. Seek to understand one another.
Step Two) Create Rituals For Rebuilding Trust With Your Partner
The commitment to rebuild trust with your partner needs to be coupled with intentional and conscious rituals that allow for a reconnection between you both. By engaging in these rituals with the agreed conscious intention of reconnecting with your partner, you can begin to work as a team to create new experiences together.
An example of this may be a silent walk in nature together. After we have acknowledged and understood our partner, the experience of silence is actually very transformative. A meditative walk in nature quietens the mind, and it allows us to reconnect with intuitive wisdom, allowing for insights and a greater chance at true forgiveness. Hold your partner’s hand on the walk, allow for emotions to come up, and allow them to get resolved in the silence of nature.
Another example may be joint journaling sessions. Setting aside some time to introspect together in a comfortable place with some quiet music, again allows for insight and a greater chance at forgiveness. Some questions to consider when journaling about your experience – what part of my partner do I not understand? What is my role in rebuilding our relationship? What about me is this experience uncovering?
A final example is coaching – and no, this is not a plug. Coaching provides a framework for couples to begin rebuilding their relationship with the assistance of a professional. Particularly when it comes to broken trust, our capacity for clear decision-making can get warped by our pain, and so, going through a coaching program designed to address the pain points of both members in the relationship can be a very useful exercise.
Step Three) Create A Vision For The Future Together
Once we have acknowledged one another’s pain, and we have begun to put rituals together that allow us to reconnect, it’s time to move forward. It is crucial that we do not hurry one another along, and that rebuilding trust is a process that can take time. But a big factor that allows us to move forward together is creating a shared vision for the future.
I have said many times that suffering creates a launching pad for a new level of growth. And I absolutely swear by this, our biggest periods of growth mostly come from periods of deep suffering. And so, to use this period of broken trust as an opportunity to grow as individuals, extraordinary things can happen.
Here are some questions to think about in an open discussion – Who would we like to be once we are through this? How can we use this as an opportunity? What has this experience revealed about us as individuals? Where else do these feelings show up in our lives as individuals? What other pain is this experience triggering?
By beginning to look towards the future and to share this with someone we love, we can begin to move forward.
If this resonates with you, reach out to me. There’s no harm in reaching out for help. Let’s have a complimentary 30-minute conversation here.
Max. Relationship Coach.
