Introduction
Hi, I’m Max, a professional relationship coach & human behaviour specialist.
Let me ask you a question – what would you rate your relationship on a scale from 1 – 10?
6?
7?
8?
If you would classify your relationship as “good” but not necessarily “spectacular”, today’s reading is for you.
Relationships are some of the most beautiful aspects of life as they amplify our emotions. But relationships are just like anything else in life – you get out what you put in. So today we are going to cover three powerful insights that will help create a framework that will take things to the next level.
If you are happy in your relationship but you are wise enough to see that all things that don’t grow eventually die – this is for you.
Insight One) Help One Another Grow As Individuals
All of the most successful relationships that I have both seen and worked with in a coaching capacity have a shared love of personal growth and their relationship reflects this. When both members of the relationship are growing together, the relationship feels alive. I have said this before in other research articles – the new relationship feeling is a feeling of deep profound growth and connection, as all the experiences are new, making us feel deeply present in our lives. And that feeling is actually rather easy to access when we are having new experiences with our partners on a regular basis.
By new experiences, I don’t necessarily mean transitory experiences like dinners or movies. While they can be nice momentary experiences, they can also act as a form of escapism. What I’m really referring to is recognizing areas within both ourselves and our partner that we would like to work on as individuals and as a team and lovingly help one another to do this.
Here are three examples:
- Volunteer to help the less fortunate together.
The experience of giving is a beautiful feeling, which we will reflect on further a little later in this reading. But the growth and feeling of contribution that we can make as couples to others is not only noble, but can provide an opportunity to bring you both closer together in the experience of giving to someone else.
- Attend professional development workshops
Even if you are both not in the same career field, developing yourselves professionally will again move you in the direction of growing together. If you and your partner have separate career paths, perhaps find a workshop that would benefit you both such as time management, productivity, amongst others. Speak with your partner – where would you like to develop in your career? If neither of you are completely satisfied in your respective careers, even a workshop on finding a new career?
- Couples Coaching
No, this is not a plug. Couples coaching specifically geared towards creating a new level of growth in a relationship can be life changing. One of the great misconceptions in coaching is that a relationship coach is there to solve problems – wrong. While yes, coaching can address pain points within a relationship, coaching is specifically designed to create new ways of relating, communicating and showing up in our relationships that can produce a more exciting, peaceful and effective shared experience of life together.
The purpose of this first insight is to illustrate that a shared desire for growth creates an incredible foundation for the relationship’s long term success.
Insight Two) Expressing Vulnerability Deepens Your Connection
If you’ve ever wondered how to reach new levels of intimacy with your partner, an answer worth considering is to deepen the levels of vulnerability between you and your partner. Early in our lives, we learn strategies to protect our natural vulnerability. Here’s a question for you – how truly vulnerable are you with your partner? Even further, how vulnerable are you with yourself? If your answer left you with more room for growth, that’s great – there’s an opportunity for you to take your own life and your relationship to the next level.
Some other questions to consider, what are the deeper parts of me that I haven’t shared? When was the last genuine, specific, heartfelt compliment that I gave my partner? When was my last genuine, specific, heartfelt apology that I gave my partner? What’s something I’ve done in my life that I’m not proud of? What’s my biggest fear in life?
By beginning to ask these questions of ourselves and our partner, we open up new doors to our relationship, a deeper level of love. Of course, this also requires that we take deep care of our partner’s heart and we are deeply sensitive to any pain that may arise. But on the other side of these questions is a deeper connection with someone we love.
Insight Three) A Deep Focus On Contribution
One of the common mistakes made in relationships that most human beings make is they enter their relationship seeking to get something from their partner. But the greatest joys in life, as we discussed earlier, come from the spiritual satisfaction of giving. And counterintuitively, you will feel far more fulfilled in your relationship when the focus is on how we can contribute to our partner.
A small imagination exercise – imagine you were given five thousand dollars in cold hard cash right now. And you had the choice, you can either spend it on yourself, or a surprise for your partner. An incredible facet of the human experience is that our bodies can’t tell the difference between something taking place in our mind, and something taking place in reality. So, trust your response to this exercise.
Take a moment and visualise yourself buying something for yourself…
Take a moment and visualise yourself buying something for your partner…
When we do things for ourselves, the feeling is often similar to a sugar rush, meaning there’s a short spike in our experience, followed by a crash, which ultimately leads to us ultimately seeking again.
When we do things for our loved ones, the feeling is a sustained, beautiful release which percolates through our bodies and has potential transformative effects on our emotional system, self esteem and physiology. Giving is an amazing gift.
So, some further questions to consider before we finish for today, where can I contribute more deeply to my partner? What surprises can I plan for them? Where can I fill their heart with even more love? What would THEY really appreciate? That last question is the most important – one of the hardest things for human beings to do is to truly step outside of their own perspective, but to think about what your partner would deeply appreciate the most may be different from what we would like to do for them. Check this in your own experience.
If today’s reading resonated with you, reach out to me for a complimentary 30 minute conversation.
