Hi, I’m Max.
I’m a coach who focuses on helping couples work towards more effective ways of relating with one another and themselves.
I have been asked by prospective clients in the past how relationship coaching differs from couples counselling. From my observations, there are two general differences. A couples counsellor will tend to work with couples who are at their wits end and have turned to a counsellor due to repeated challenges in the relationship. A coach however, can tend to work with couples who are seeking a proactive approach to developing their relationship to something greater. Thus, the mindset that couples come into coaching with can at times be a point of difference. Of course, a generalisation on my part. The second difference that shows up for me, is that a couples coaching session will tend to be more future focused in their approach, working towards a desired outcome that both members of the relationship have agreed to. A couples counsellor will tend to be more focused on how the current pain points of the relationship and how that links to prior emotional pain. Again, generalisations. And both approaches have their place.
Part of my philosophy when it comes to relationship coaching is that the role in understanding and most importantly forgiving the past is paramount, as it provides an understanding as to how the relationship came to its current point, both positively and otherwise. However, I absolutely believe that working towards a meaningful and inspiring vision as a partnership is just as important.
The benefits of relationship coaching, from my perspective, are obvious. To love your significant other, and to invest in the relationship’s development both as a team and as individuals can create a foundation for your relationship’s long term success that can last decades into the future. All things in life that do not grow eventually die, and human endeavours whether that be businesses, health and fitness or relationships are no different. When both members of the relationship are growing, they are deeply present within themselves, and thus, with each other. It is often said that the first three to six months of a relationship are most exciting, and what I would put forward to those who are reading this, is that this new human being that has come into your life has expanded your sense of self, fostering your growth, making you feel most alive!
From my experience as a coach, this is what most couples lose touch with. When they first met, their time together provided new experiences, feelings, conversations and perspectives. Now, the good news about that, is that can be found again. With a combination of forgiveness, consistent progress and a compelling future, that “new relationship feeling” can actually be very easy to access.
My Relationship Coaching Philosophy
When working with a couple, there are two fundamental approaches that make up my coaching philosophy.
Coaching The Relationship As Individuals
Fundamentally, change must begin with you. Often when I am working with a couple, particularly if they are going through some challenges, finger pointing is not uncommon. And what I often put forward is that in order for the relationship to change, we must focus on our personal contribution to the relationship. After all, fifty percent of the relationship is made up by us.
The common rebuttal I hear goes like this, “But the problem is how my partner does x,y,z – the problem isn’t me!” and to that I would put forward is that there are patterns that are playing out in the relationship, causing this unwanted outcome. And if you are able to change your part in this pattern, your partner’s half will inevitably change.
You’ll be amazed at what can happen.
Coaching The Relationship As A Team
When it comes to coaching the relationship as a partnership, pattern recognition is at the heart of working with couples. If we are able to recognise both the helpful and unhelpful communication patterns as a team, then we have the power to interrupt, change and ultimately create new patterns.
Couples typically will disagree about the same three or four things at most. What I often find is that while there may be genuine love and affection, there’s simply an unhelpful communication pattern that repeatedly plays out over the same four challenges. And when we have full recognition and awareness over this pattern, we can begin to change it.
A small invitation to those reading this who are in a relationship:
Think about how an argument normally starts between you and your partner. How does it normally start? What is your typical response? What is your partner’s typical response? What is the crescendo of the argument? How is it normally resolved? Why does it continue to show up?
Even just by taking this step of reflecting on the current communication patterns in your relationship can yield opportunities for growth in your relationship.
What You Can Expect In Our First Session
When first meeting with a couple, much like when I work with an individual, we dive deeply into what I call the “source of motivation”. To put it simply, what outcomes are you shooting for from this coaching relationship and why do you want these outcomes? And are you and your partner aligned?
Once we have a set of agreed outcomes from the coaching relationship. I will then create a verbal agreement and clear understanding with both members of the relationship that change must start with them, not their partner.
In conclusion, one of our deepest human needs is to contribute to others. And being in a loving committed relationship provides incredible opportunities to do just that.
To invest in your relationship, is to invest in one of our most precious gifts in life.
And don’t forget, if we want life to change, in ANY capacity, we must first change ourselves.
If any of this resonated with you, I’d encourage you to reach out and have a complimentary 30 minute conversation with me here.
